My daughter Evie was born on the 14-5-19, she cake 3 weeks early and I don’t think I was truly ready for her just at that moment. It’s been a struggle since she was born, I don’t think I truly prepared myself to go through the newborn stage again.

I felt really guilty for having another child and feeling like I was pushing Lucas a side, I wasn’t but when mum guilt hits boy does it hit, the first few weeks where the toughest, up every 2/3 hours through the night and having a wild 4 year, it was exhausting! We eventually got past the every 2/3 hour phase but I still didn’t feel totally myself. I worried about everything a lot, if my house was clean enough? If I was spending enough time with Lucas? if we where all having enough fresh air? Was I being a good girlfriend?

Slowly the pressure kept building to totally have my shit together, I just didn’t know where to begin, so I began stressing about EVERYTHING! I cry everyday at the thought of being a total disappointment to my family, not having my house in order 24/7, not being the best mum I can be. It really has slowly taken over my life.

I pushed the thought of having post natal depression to the back of my mind because to me I thought, if I got told by a doctor I had it, I would 100% have my kids taken off me. I had lead myself to believe this for 4 months. Eventually things got too much where I started thinking if I left now my children and boyfriend would be much better without me, I’m not doing that good that someone can take place.

Eventually i decided I needed to go to the doctor’s it’s not fair on my children for me to be like this, my son asks me everyday if I’m happy as he’s so used to me crying. On Friday I went to the doctor’s and got the help I needed, it feels like massive weight has been lifted that I’ve held onto since Evie was born. People are right, it’s a big first step but it’s the best step, it scares me to think wherey thoughts may of taken me.

Just talking to 1 person can really help. I’m not a big talker of feelings but I need to be the best mum and partner I can possibly be and there is no harm in asking for help. The doctor prescribed me anti-depressants which I will be on for the next 6/12 months but at least I know I’m getting the help I needed.

Oh Evie, where do I start with you. Today you are 17 weeks and 3 days old and boy have you made an entrance!

Baby girl, you have made me smile so much my face hurts and I’ve cried tears, so many tears. I have definitely had my difficult days with you but they are forgotten the minute you smile!

You where the last piece to our family puzzle and you’ve made us complete. It hasn’t been the easiest ride, but we are here. Living to tell the tale.

You came 3 weeks early and gave us all a fright, your dad worried so much about you, well, still does and your brother, my god he loves you! He’s always there in your face telling you your beautiful and that he’ll always catch you if you fall.

We didn’t have the easiest journey to where we are now, I was scared, scared that I wasn’t going to be enough for you, that I was going to mess up. When you where born you only weighed 4lb 7oz (tiny) but you where the most persistent little girl I have ever known, you smashed your tests and the next day you came home.

We had a terrible first night, mainly because we where all terrified, me, your dad and brother where up with you at 3am, all Lucas wanted to do was hold you!

With each day you get bigger and stronger and we couldn’t be prouder of you. Your now in 3-6 month clothes and turning into such a sass pot. All you do is shout and smile which brightens up my day.

I love you Evie Beavie ♥️. All my love always. Mummy xoxo

✨ Last family day of the summer holidays ✨

Today we ventured out to @sealifeblackpool for our last family day as family before Lucas starts school on Monday  it was very nice, we started with fish and chips then went to the sealife centre.
I think it’s slowly hitting me that my little sidekick is starting school and he’s not going to be attached to me everyday!
Although I know he’ll enjoy every second of school, this is it, this is when the drifting starts, he becomes more interested in his friends, playing, stuff that doesn’t revolve around me.
He’s always been super independent but we’ve been together everyday for 4 years, if he’s ever needed anything he will always ask me before anyone else.
My little boy, angel pie, best friend is about to embark on a new adventure and I can and can’t wait! All I know is he’ll be my little boy for the foreseeable future and nothing will ever change that.
But come Monday it’s me and Evie beavy everyday, time for her to enjoy some one on one time with mummy!

So as the 6 weeks draws to a close (thank fuck!) I find myself congratulating myself for putting up with my kids and not selling them on eBay.

During the holidays I have had some serious mum guilt! I see all these mum’s on Facebook/Instagram posting about where they have been, who they’ve been with, what they’ve made out of a shitty toilet roll! Have I done that?! No I’ve managed to keep my 2 tiny turds alive and I could not be prouder! We have enjoyed going to local places like the zoo, tower and sealife centre. Taking walks as a family and enjoying each other.

To all the parents out there that have got through this time! Give yourself a massive pat on the back, it’s bloody hard work and we have done it! T minus 5 days and school is back in session. Don’t feel bad that you haven’t spent all the time in the world with your kids, or that the tablet has helped you! I don’t! My partner works 5-30am till 2pm so in the morning when I’m fucked from being up with my 3 month old, Lucas gets an hour on his tablet. So bloody what! Stop feeling guilty for using something that is, in reality, going to keep you sane for the day!

Just remember you rock! Your children are lucky to have you! Your all they know and all they want to know!

We found out we where expecting Evie last September just before we where due to go away with my mum. It was definitely mixed emotions, I always thought about having 2 children but Lucas was my baby, how the fuck was I going to love another baby as much as I could love him.

We decided to keep it a secret from our families until Christmas. I didn’t even tell Lucas, he’s a gobshite anyway so he would of spilled. It was a huge shock to everyone as nobody expected me to decide to have another.

Months went on and it got really tough, I was more tired than the first time round, the last thing I wanted to do was touch Chris in rude places and me him. I was constantly of work sick as I was just so tired and ill, eventually maternity leave started and thank the fucking lord it came when it did! Just in time for bastard school holidays 🖕

As time went on I started to shit my pants a little bit more that I was going to have 2 kids. Then I was induced early, I didn’t expect to meet her so soon and she was so tiny, but she was my girl. I had one of each.

Seeing Lucas with her now makes me wonder why I ever worried about it.

You will to, if your due to have another or holding off for this very reason, DON’T, there is nothing more perfect than seeing you biggest baby love your baby baby stupid amounts.